![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
hold me, wrap me up
unfold me
i am small
and needy
warm me up
and breathe me....
perhaps it is time for my short-lived livejournalling to come to an end. i mean, no one reads this.... however there is a chance that someone may and so i have been censoring myself.... which is hardly the point of something like this. maybe i should just stick to a plain old notebook or text document for my eyes only, if i feel this need to express my psychosis in written form. so this may well be the last post, i haven't decided yet. i'll think about it. anyone care?
didn't think so....
- where i'm at:my bed is a rumply mess
- current level of insanity:
pensive - tuned in to:sia - breathe me
soooo on another note i think i am going to see a doctor and get my brain evaluated. or am i just paranoid? i finally got up the guts to tell my mom that i think something's wrong..... no details but it was hard saying even that much. and she just brushes me off, telling me i'm overreacting and there's nothing wrong with me. that hurts. i hate being undermined..... sure i won't deny it could be a lot worse, but she doesn't know what goes on behind closed doors, nevermind what goes on inside my head. that's not fair. i might go through with seeing a doctor..... i'm just worried i'll be put away in some hospital or institution and then what the fuck do i do??
just thoughts, must go.
posse out.
smooches.
- where i'm at:my cat is lying on my arm which makes it hard to type
- current level of insanity:
discontent - tuned in to:garbage - queer
contemplation:
alone. lonely. unattached. so what am i sticking around for? i could move to the coast. i could fly to france and be an au pair. or, i could just freakin' die already. again, i am realizing i have nothing here. i am not happy. nor do i think i will be.... but then again i could spend my life moving and discarding and reanalyzing and still not be happy.... something has to change in me in order for me to experience this happiness, and i think now that i may be unable to change. i don't seem to be able to motivate myself to become any more than i am..... but with no belief, how can i motivate? how can i change my outlook on my own life when i believe i don't even deserve to live? i am so full of bitterness and cynicism and self-loathing and no matter what i change about my life, those things never will. and as much as i am curious of how it would feel without these things, how it would feel to be hopeful and forgiving and confident, i do not believe that i am undeserving of everything i feel right now. so it's hard, i think.... it's hard to change the way you think about something, when you honestly believe it is correct. i wouldn't be able to wrap my head around it. it's like a child who has been raised believing that this colour is red.... and far into his adult life someone tells him it is actually "blue". he wouldn't know what to do with this information. of course he would be full of disbelief at this new information. it challenges everything he has been raised knowing as truth. this information is a lie. it is a trick. and really, it is. this is not blue, it's red. everyone can see it but this other idiot.... i really don't know where i'm going with this. my mind is rambling and my fingers are doing it's bidding without really checking to see if there's any kind of continuity or sense. but basically what my point is.... why should i have to change the way i think about myself? i believe myself to be a horrible, ugly, worthless human being. why am i the one that's wrong? i know myself better than anyone else.... why shouldn't my opinion of myself be correct? a doctor knows better than a three year old about disease, yet you think the child is right in a question of what causes it? think about it. tell me the fucking logic.
stupid brain. stupid rambles. no sense makey. analogies suck.
"who do you carry that torch for, my young man?
do you believe in anything?
do you carry it around just to burn things down?"
- where i'm at:my room is cold
- current level of insanity: contemplative
- tuned in to:city and colour - coming home
still alive. fuck.
- where i'm at:around
- current level of insanity: numb
- tuned in to:brand new - limousine
i thought it was enough that i reaffirmed my complete and utter failure as a human being daily. apparently it is not. it's time for everyone to jump on the bandwagon! come on mom, you can lead them, you've made me feel worse about myself more than anyone else i've known my whole life! who better to lead the pack? step right up, shoot me down, cut me up, i'll double it for your satisfaction.
later:
at least i've affirmed that no one can hurt me as badly as i can hurt myself. for some reason, i counted the number of cuts today, but i started losing track after 100. i'm untouchable.
and some pile of crap i wrote last night for no particular reason:
you believe me to be innocuous
but you don't see me alone
i live and i die
every day
yet its all the same
to you who doesn't see it
emotions escalate, intensify
without this release my mind would be lost
thus; i die
and in the deluge of blood
i am reborn
alive afresh
my sanity preserved
if for just one more day
or hour
until it begins again
and yearn to die once more
useless post..... but i was angry and vented and now i'm good. until next time, dear readers :P
- where i'm at:bed full of computers
- current level of insanity:
stressed - tuned in to:silversun pickups - lazy eye
which i take offense to. what i do is not a cry for attention, nor a "half-hearted suicide attempt". how can i ask for attention by this if i hide it from everyone? and i know when i have a half-hearted suicide attempt. (see jan 20 post), and i don't do that often. i can't even express to what extent this pisses me off. it's like.... what i am doing is none of these things. it's a coping mechanism, it's a lifestyle, it's an addiction, it's my best friend and worst enemy, it's many things; however none of these things are a "faked" suicide or a want of negative attention.
another useless post. i'm full of insight and creativity lately, it seems.
but the tattoo consultation appointment is booked for march 7. and only until after that appointment can i book my actual tattoo appointment. which may be another two weeks to two months after that. poo, shit, putain d'merde, damn and blast. but still. it's got the ball rolling even more! so yeeha.
also: haven't seen w&n in.... i dunno. a while. don't really care too much. success!
guess that's it for now. until next installment....
posse out.
oh and ps: the billy talent concert was sweeeeeeet if i had been in THAT pit i'd be in heaven.
- where i'm at:lead
- current level of insanity: contemplative
- tuned in to:billy talent - perfect world
and i think this ridiculous infatuation with w&n may be fading. i hope so.
not much to say this post. i've had it with wasting time and energy trying to.... keep on close terms with people i don't even consider a friend. it's dumb.
that's all i guess.
posse out.
- where i'm at:newly cleanish room
- current level of insanity:
complacent - tuned in to:gorillaz - el mañana
so i went home, and figured if death was on its way, i'd welcome it with open arms. i didn't try to kill myself, not by a long shot, but i figured i might as well, you know, make it easy if it was going to happen anyway. so i took a nice big handful of some pills in the medicine cabinet, took the razor to my wrist, and fell asleep. obviously this impending feeling of death was just paranoia, or gas, or something, since (incase you haven't figured it out yet :P) i woke up the next morning. and woke up with a headache to end all headaches. frick. i have to remember that taking lots of pills just makes you feel like shit the next day. i know this all too well.
and now i just feel.... lifeless. i can't think of anything really worthwhile. i feel like i'm just existing in this mindless, numbing apathy. and that there's nothing i can do to change it.
- where i'm at:dread
- current level of insanity:
listless - tuned in to:alexisonfire - happiness by the kilowatt
[ ] I like skinny jeans
[x] I write poetry/song lyrics.
[x] My hair covers part of my face.
[x] I wear band shirts
[x] I know who Jeffree Star is. well i do NOW, stupid survey
[ ] I wear/wore converse.
[x] I wear/wore vans/etnies.
[x] I wear eyeliner
[x] I have my lip pierced.
[ ] I listen to Saves The Day, Chiodos, Thursday and/or Gym Class Heroes
Total =7
[ ] I'm in a band
[ ] My AIM screen name has an x in it (my "gamer" name has one)
[ ] I understand that My Chemical Romance is not emo (my chemical romance needs to take a fuckin' nap)
[ ] I understand that Green Day is fuckin gay!
[x] I know what mosh means.
[x] I sit in corners often.
[x] I dislike MTV.
[ ] I take pictures of myself a lot when im bored
[x] Especially ones where you can't see my whole face. (if i do take pictures of myself they're rarely of my face)
Total = 11
[x] I am lost without a cd player/my iPod/mp3
[ ] I know that emo is not just a stereotype (well what is it then?)
[x] I have/had thick rimmed glasses.
[x] I have no issues with bi/gay people
[x] I hate the president. (douchebag)
[ ] I have/had a mohawk.
[x] I've worn black nail polish.
[ ] I hate my mom.
[ ] I hate my dad .
[ ] I hate where I live.
[x] Black is a great color
[x]I do/have cut myself
Total = 18
[x] Right now I am listening to music
[x] I know what hxc and sxe means.
[ ] Myspace=Love (YAAAAAAKKKK)
[ ] Hot Topic doesn't scare me.
[ ] I wear studded belts.
[ ] I have had a body part signed by a band. (kissing counts!)
[ ] I've cried while listening to Dashboard Confessional.
[x] I have/ had dyed my hair black
[x] My closet is mostly filled with black or dark clothes.
[ ] I cry alot
[ ] I write on myself.
[ ] I have been called emo before.
[x] I've done drugs before.
[x] I listen to undiscovered bands
Total =24
Overall total = 24
Times your overall total by 3 and that is how you are.
Repost as "I'm __% Emo woah".
=================================
sweet hay-soos, i'm supposedly 72% emo. yak.
i am full of brain farts today. therefore no meaningful post as of yet. must go to gym since i was called a huge fatty. lovely lovely.
- where i'm at:fred
- current level of insanity:
hungry - tuned in to:jack off jill - everything's brown
i have to block out thoughts of you so i don’t lose my head
they crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
dropping little reels of tape to remind me that i’m alone
playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
there's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
an ounce of peace is all i want for you, will you never call again?
and will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
and will you never try to reach me, it is i that wanted space
hate me today
hate me tomorrow
hate me for all the things i didn't do for you
hate me in ways
yeah ways hard to swallow
hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you
i’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
the one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing i won’t touch again
in a sick way i want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
while i was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
you never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
you made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
so i’ll drive so fucking far away that i never cross your mind
and do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind
hate me today
hate me tomorrow
hate me for all the things i didn’t do for you
hate me in ways
yeah ways hard to swallow
hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you
and with a sad heart i say bye to you and wave
kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that i had made
and like a baby boy i never was a man
until i saw your blue eyes cry and i held your face in my hand
and then i fell down yelling “make it go away!”
just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
and then she whispered “how can you do this to me?”
hate me today
hate me tomorrow
hate me for all the things i didn’t do for you
hate me in ways
yeah ways hard to swallow
hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you
=================================
was introduced to this song by a friend.... been listening to it a lot today, and the more i listen to it the more it makes me think of that very same friend. i don't know. it's kind of hard to explain, since i know he's probably going to be reading this anyway. i've put in italics what i wish i could've said.... at least what speaks most to me about it. but i guess this kind of goes for any friend i have.... but especially nik.... you've been there to put up with all my shit for all these years and somehow you've never learned how much of a waste of time i am.... and as much as i think you should "hate me so you can finally see what's good for you", i'm so grateful for your friendship. so yea. ya bastard.
- where i'm at:thread
- current level of insanity: thoughtful
- tuned in to:blue october - hate me
"....the dreams in which i'm dying are the best i've ever had...."
- where i'm at:bread
- current level of insanity:
gloomy - tuned in to:in flames - take this life
i feel like i have to potential to do something rash, unthought-out, and potentially bad. help me.
i feel like i have sick power over myself right now.
let's hope i don't regret anything i may or may not do today.
- where i'm at:caught between the gym and the shower
- current level of insanity:
quixotic - tuned in to:metric - succexy
all efforts of succeeding at anything i've ever wanted have been, are, and always will be desperately futile. its like.... i dunno, maybe if there is such a thing as past lives and karma, i'm really paying for something i did in another life, as a mobster, or a turtle, or just a really lucky person, and now it needs to even things out. bah. and it seems that there is nothing i can ever do to change this.
this is an amusing thing: http://www.geocities.com/t_ride9/sui.htm
i'm just kind of sad right now. i want to give this up so badly but i CAN'T and i can't HELP that it feels GOOD sometimes when i am around him and it MIGHT seem like there is some HOPE for me but i have to stop FOOLING MYSELF BITCH STOP DREAMING STOP IMAGINING YOU'RE SOMEONE YOU'RE NOT. raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!
grr. i am grumpy. i try so hard and i wish i could stop trying. it seems like the ones that don't try just have everything they want come to them naturally, and i am so not one of these people. maybe if i stopped trying things would come to me.... frick. whatever. i've watched more tv today than i do in two weeks, and my brain feels mushy. can't write anything worthwhile. other than i've bled through seven layers of gauze, and it amuses me. wheeeee gaping wounds right on a vein! how i love thee, shiny new razorblade!
hmm. that and i have to wake up in like less than four hours. oh well, that's a good night's sleep for me! hah.
posse out.
- where i'm at:bed
- current level of insanity: discontent
- tuned in to:finch - without you here (acoustic)
but i wonder.... what is possessing me to pursue relationships? i am well aware that i am not a healthy individual capable of mature relationships. i'm basically a psychopath. i know i have to stop sucking people in and then chewing them up and spitting them out. however, it seems i am powerless to stop this. good thing the smart ones know they should stay far away from me.
sort of half-asleep rambling. blllarrrrgggghhhhh.
now something i wrote err.... in october maybe? maybe september. this year (06) anway. so enjoy, beeotches.
i am somewhere
where not even the bravest will venture
where only others like me have been
solitary
entombed in ice
fire
quiescent in a deep pool of slow pain
a flick of steel
and
i close my eyes
cold and unfeeling
and
a breath
i watch my life escape my veins
i am calm
the bath i am in now turns red
quicker than i'd thought
fills with what has sustained this life until now
cold porcelain - a far worthier vessel
than this sad, pathetic girl
if i let go
i can slide deeper
eyes closed, over my head
i'm surrounded
and i succumb to my destiny
- where i'm at:prone
- current level of insanity: thoughtful
- tuned in to:grinspoon - better off alone
there is a fire illuminated attic
fate or something better i could care less
just stay with me a while
wait
there is a light
there is a fire defragmenting the attic
fate or something better i could care less
just stay with me a while...."
it makes me sick how obsessed i sound on this thing. but i guess i don't really have anything interesting to talk about so i rant and i belly-whine about how i am infatuated and unloved and i'm so frustrated about it. it would be easier to get over this shit if i wasn't getting these fucking mixed signals. at times i think there may be some reciprocated interest and then there's times like last night, where i am apparently so repulsive that he can't even be near me. i am beginning to think that perhaps the only times boys are interested in me is when they are wearing the legendary beer goggles.
and it's gonna be months before i can afford my tattoo. which both angers and disappoints me hardcore. fuckin' shit.
it really is disgusting being me.
- where i'm at:my own bed, alone
- current level of insanity: crushed
- tuned in to:incubus - anna-molly
shit.
i'm pretty bummed.
so railer is now scratched off the list. and as much as i know i should scratch white & nerdy off the list too, some part of me still keeps hoping. that part is apparently on copious amounts of drugs.
hell frick.
"this is what i thought,
i thought you need me,
this is what i thought so think me naïve,
i promise you a heart you'd promise to keep,
kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep...."
oh, balls. what am i going to do other than bang my metaphorical head against this metaphorical wall for god knows how long?
help.
i just need some kind of sign, some kind of clue that i could still hope.
- where i'm at:bed, i'm not bothering with writing it in another language
- current level of insanity: rejected
- tuned in to:chevelle - get some
- where i'm at:bed of razorblades
- current level of insanity:
pissed off - tuned in to:haven't stopped playing jack off jill
as time passes i wonder if i really need to see selma every day now. it does make things better, but am i sometimes just doing it because i am bored, to pass the time? i don't want to cheapen my attachment to this.... mildly concerned, not really though. like i said, it still makes it better....
and i was re-reading what i'd written the other day, about how i want people to notice how i am hurting inside. is this really true? i think i'm torn between wanting to be noticed and wanting to disappear. but i suppose i can't really be noticed. i'm too socially unacceptable to be noticed. and hey, if i fade away for the greater good, then i guess that's alright. i'm no martyr, i can just slip away.
now, for slightly less than four hours of sleep (if i'm lucky and can fall asleep right away) until work, and then being up most of the night i'm sure. apparently i'm ringing in the new year fuckin' tired.
- where i'm at:min säng
- current level of insanity:
awake - tuned in to:jack off jill - strawberry gashes
-i want to get thin. i want to rid myself of this eating bullshit that makes me hate myself so much. i want to be at least 110, if not 100 or less. i want people to look at me at not think "shit that is one fat bitch" i want them to think "she's gotta be 100 pounds soaking wet" or "shit that girl needs to eat" or "wow she must really be in pain if she's starving herself" and then maybe someone would think of showing some kind of concern or empathy or desire to spend time with me. i wish my outward appearence could at least come close to reflecting my inward thoughts and feelings. i wish my body would deteriorate as much as my mind. then at least if no one noticed nor cared, than who knows, that much physical deterioration might just kill me and i wouldn't have to worry about it anymore. at least its better than rotting deep inside my mind, my heart, and my soul.
-i want to get good at guitar. like good enough to jam with.
-i want to get my fuckin' tattoo finally.
and as i sit here becoming more and more angry and depressed and hopeless, i want more and more to fucking slit my wrists. so i won't put that in there as a "resolution" but i won't rule it out either. well i don't really think i'd end up killing myself by slitting my wrists anyhow. too risky. although bleeding out in a warm bath has its morbidly aesthetic perks, i think i've already figured out a far more definite way. so aside from that, i really need to visit selma, it's been a couple days. so posse out y'all, this is a dumbass post but i don't give a fuck.
- where i'm at:mi cama
- current level of insanity: cranky
- tuned in to:demon hunter - deteriorate
and this book i'm reading. frick. i thought it was gonna be better, about all her fucked up problems but instead she just talks about boys. boys boys boys. i don't fuckin care about all the frickin boys she likes and who like her. i wanted to read about someone else who seemed as fucked up as me, i wanted to read about her self-hatred and her eating disorders and her thoughts of suicide, but instead its just a fuckin pre-teen boy magazine. am quite disappointed in it.
i'm really quite surprised and impressed by my ability to keep up this facade at work. i seem like a hyper, happy, funny person there, without a care in the world. i project this mask on everyone there and i really can't believe how well it's working. and even to a certain extent on my friends. i don't want to bother them with all these fucked up issues, not that they'd care.... if i'm fun to be around then that's all i'm worth to them. at least it lets me have friends.... being so fake like this. not letting them into my world. they see me laughing and dancing and going out with boys and having fun but what they don't see is me tearing my hair out, me crying, me sitting in my car outside their apartment with blood pouring out of my wrists, me taking too many pills to try and ease this pain that's always in my head.
i want to disappear. i want to starve until no one notices i'm around. i want to just fade away.
i want to say yes.
- where i'm at:bed of shame
- current level of insanity: numb
- tuned in to:flyleaf - cassie
